The magical taste of intergalactic conquest.

481 Earth years ago I was lying on the attractively polished black floor of the commanding ship of my starfighter fleet laughing to myself, recently 5 planets richer and fantastically wasted.

What an great way to end a campaign, really really excellent - and it had only taken 53 ships this time. Pity most of them are now scattered atoms being split mercilessly by the impassioned blue sun of the Frugor system. 

We'd taken the system in just 2 Scanthrapillian days, a new record. Granted, most of the planets were only inhabited by small kitchen appliances and various species of fish, but that is completely unimportant.

"Captain X-zar," said a voice. One I dimly recognized to be belonging to my navigator.

I told him I'd always wondered what it would be like to sandski naked.

"Captain," he said sort of angrier, "This is important."

I sat up, as soon as I remembered which way 'up' was, and blinked a few times. "What it is," I asked him clearly. 

"Any particular reason for our heading at lightspeed directly towards a wormhole?" I stared at him until he only had one face. "A what?"

"A wormhole." He repeated.

"Well fancy that."

"Did you program the auto pilot before or after you made and began consuming 15 Gargle-Blasters?"

I thought about this very carefully.

"After," I told him nice and definitively. "It was definitely after."

"Are you going to do anything about it, or shall I?" He asked.

I stood up gracefully, knocking over just 2 potted plants and grabbing the black leather sofa for support on only my third attempt.

I realized I was only in my underwear and laughed. I poked at my belly.

"Captain," said the navigator threateningly.

"Oh hey, what? Yeah, you can do something about it. I hope you have a really nice, nice time." I said sincerely.

My navigator rolled his eyes and walked coolly over to the hyperspace controls, muttering to himself about finding a new job, perhaps joining the monastery should we ever make it back.

I didn't hear him, I was busy puking in the urn.