So here I am.
Xasiusriiantarizar Jzon'io Qu, 481 years later - Ex-starfleet captain, Ex-hexdillionare, and Earth-dweller against my will.
The following is a general account of how this terrifically underwhelming development in my otherwise fantastic and attractive life occurred:
"Greetings, crew," I said over the loudspeaker, "this is your well-loved, and really really ridiculously good-looking captain speaking to you now, live at least currently, from the bridge.
"First off, I'd like to thank you all for listening, not like you have a choice in the matter, but hey, a person deserves a thank you once in awhile. Secondly I'd like to point out that if I could see you, I'm sure I'd say you're all looking exceptionally froodish and beautiful today, and it's an honor to tower over such a sexy-fine crew in cold authorit-UNMF…" here I was elbowed in the ribcage by Lio who wished to convey urgency.
"…right, well to get straight to the point," I continued, "it seems as if we're going to be heading into an unplanned wormhole in just a few moments, not as horrific as it sounds I'm sure, so let's all refrain from panicking. If you cats want to stick around and wait it out you know, see where you end up and what you end up as it's all good with me, have a blast. if not, I suggest you pop into the nearest teleporter, lock onto something and hope for the best. Thank you all so very much, goodnight."
We hit the wormhole nearly as hard as it hit us.
We hit the sendoff button on the inside of the teleporter.
Space twisted a full circle and bent in on itself.
I hit my head very hard on a planet.
Now, teleporting from inside a wormhole is very dangerous, due mostly to the fact that almost no one has tried it, and even fewer people have been able to report how dangerous it is.
It is, however, arguably a better choice than riding out a wormhole - by teleporting you can at least be mostly sure your atoms will come out the other end still stuck together. Although, because a wormhole is a sort of bunch in the fabric of the space time continuum, you can't be sure if your programmed destination is even in existence at the time of departure, or if it is, what stage of evolution is currently underway.
Our destination seemed to have changed its mind about existing, deciding to shift 647 lightyears to the left and forward in time at the same instance the space time continuum seemed to have changed its mind about what dimension it wanted us in.
Instead of showing up neatly back at headquarters, we were rocketed into the dirt of European Earth in the year 1530. The incredibly lucky bit is that all three of us were all sent to the same place.
I was awoken from my severe hit to the head, by a severe hit to the head.
"Wake up." He demanded.
"Shut up." I suggested.
"Seriously X-zar, get up."
I sat up. "What the hell are you wearing." I asked.
Lio's voice was emitting from underneath no less than three burlap sacks, and he was wrapped up head to toe in what appeared to be all the fabric he could find.
"I've become hideous." He explained in a voice of soft terror.
I stared at him for a long time.
"What?"
"Look, you too." He said, and offered me a broken piece of a mirror.
I blacked out again.
The tricky part about travelling across dimensions is that more likely than not, the dimension into which you come cannot usually comprehend the one out of which you came, so it makes a few corrections.
Lio and I were both of the same sinfully beautiful, magical race descended from various major deities, and were generally better than everything else in existence on every level. Apparently, this meant we were the closest in appearance to a human being.
Surely, this planet is hopelessly despicable.
Altonzax was apparently too complex, and came through as a highly intelligent strip of bacon, and it took us a couple hundred years to be able to create a electrical-impulse thought translator and holographic body for him.
X4, annoyingly, stayed exactly the same - even down to his built-in holographic body.
The next 481 years were a horrible blur, messing around until blogs were invented. All you need to know is that eventually we ended up where we are today. Because of our unchanging, youthful appearances, we are forced to attend the 'school' like the human children for the sake of blending in until maybe, someday, a ship will come close enough to hitch a ride on.
We've all adjusted as well as we could, I mean, there's only mild psychological damage…
We were even able to convince Lio to show his face and it only took 357 years.
The following entries will be my observations on the humans in efforts to understand them, to keep from going the rest of the way insane in my exile on this wretched mass of rock, and in hopes that perhaps a pattern will be detectable eventually that will lead me to whatever bastard god thought it funny to imprison me so that I can kick him or her squarely in the face should I ever manage to leave.
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